we didn't make it this far to only make it this far
In this moment, mae (my 12 year old child), walking towards an eager little mother (my 6 year old dog): “i don’t have anything for you but love.” and yes, exactly that.
this last week, a friend of mine took a mental health day off from work and texted me, looking for a hiking companion. we bopped around onetona gorge, one of my favorite hikes that leads you behind a waterfall, specifically pony tail falls. the trail hadn’t been open since the eagle creek fires back in september 2017. a fire started by a 15 year old boy playing with fireworks during a fire ban. the fire lasted 3 months, burnt 50,000 acres, & ruined oregon’s air quality for weeks—was still smoldering in some places eight months later. the natural process of recovery after a wild fire is what they call “ecological succession” meaning “holy shit, the earth will forever recover and outlast us all mwah ha ha ha”. (bonus info : the forests reach approx. 80% regrowth about 20 years post fire, 100% regrowth by somewhere in the 50-80 year range post fire.)
the first to grow back in the ash are the wildflowers, some might refer to as “weeds”. the grass follows. there are trees who have fire induced sprouting, protected by an underground, deeply connected root system. there’s a particular species of the western beetle who has heat sensors to draw it into injured trees from miles away. families of woodpeckers happen to love eating this beetle. there are new types of mushrooms that come into places after a fire, many aid in the decomposition of dead trees by recycling nutrients for new plant growth. DO YOU UNDERSTAND NEW THINGS ARE BIRTHING FROM DEAD THINGS?! google plant and animal wildfire adaptations if you want to have your mind blown/science is magic is real.
at present day, the trees are covered in a few inches of charred bark. some revealing what almost looks to be bleeding—their fresh, smooth layer called the cambium, underneath. i just kept thinking “oh man you guys have really been through it.”
i have no shame in collecting metaphors from nature. the entire earth has been screaming she cannot breathe, which you could interpret a number of applicable ways when it comes to the work still ahead of us. and i’m here, at such a time as this. i am here FOR this. when i’m not languishing, i’m screaming, too. it’s all grief and i’m still finding my way through. trying to connect to whatever moments of joy and peace i can reach, when i am able.
today is the solstice. this is the “holiday season” that felt the truest for two science nerds. i’m not going to pretend the holidays are an easy time for me. this is just what i’ve made work for my tiny family. today, we have some candles lit and a fire going in the fireplace, in the longest night of the year. today the earth tilts 23.5 degrees on its axis. and from today on, a little more light starts showing up in our dark days. maybe it’s a faith to believe the sun will be here tomorrow. or maybe it’s just collected information of a repeated loop of events we understand as scientific fact. so i’ll leave you with more of my scientific findings, a poem by rilke, edits by me :
GO TO THE LIMITS OF YOUR LONGING
love speaks to us as she makes us,
then walks with us silently out of the night.
these are the words we dimly hear :
you, sent out beyond your recall,
go to the limits of your longing.
embody me.
flare up like a flame
and make big shadows i can move in.
let everything happen to you; beauty and terror.
just keep going. no feeling is final.
don’t let yourself lose me.
nearby is the country they call life.
you will know it by its seriousness.
give me your hand.
FEELINGS REPORT // the full, cold moon on saturday was in the sign of gemini, symbolizing the integration of exchanging of ideas, communication, trade. to me, gemini is about holding dualities—two truths that seem in contradiction with each other. like i am both at peace and feel a heavy sadness in this moment. we integrate by imperfectly practicing room for all. this doesn’t mean we have to accept bullshit as truth but it can still serve us in adding contrast to our experience, revealing how we might want to feel and how we can reposition ourselves for more of those good feelings, experiences, collaborations, economies. so let’s fucking get to it. xo
INSPIRATION STATION
this chaotic spiraling flower garden from a closing scene in the movie i will not recommend to you called the shack.
a movie i would recommend: a documentary i found on youtube called finding joe, about joseph campbell and living the myth.
this calendula face cream from kiehls that my friend recently gifted me a sample of.
minimalist baker’s vegan instapot chili
interesting read about ethics of art
this poem on a recent walk
bo burnham’s lockdown special “inside” on netflix
that flowers are still blooming in the darkest days
the work and sharing of artist marlee grace who led me to forming a newsletter as a public service, making up the job you’re doing, & quilting my feelings.
every tenth item at the inspiration station is a dedication to a radical person that i dedicate this reluctant practice to so that i might follow through. this round is dedicated to the unmatchable, iconic, revolutionary bell hooks, who passed onto the next life this last week at the age of 69. i cannot stress enough the importance of reading bell hooks “all about love” for me, which taught me that love is “the will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth.”