pleasure as a measure
Tonight i wrapped myself in a blanket and took mother the dog outside, standing watch in the dusk, a moment both from the dark and also in the dark. Entranced by the green twinkling lights of the butts of little bugs, I felt safe enough to not think about my safety. And that’s when I saw through my squinted, blurry eyes— the largest deer, stilled by my presence in the back of the field. There is a spot near the mulberries where we left the grass long that they love to pass out on right after they snack. I stood perfectly still, too and whispered “i’m so happy you’re here.” in my excitement. The deer turned completely toward me then and we stayed like that for a while.
Before this joy was another joy. The last few years I was spending many of my days with my sweet neighbors and really connected with their three year old who turned four and then five. Mostly he would act out his school days or something he read from a book because the body processes what the brain cannot. Somewhere along the line, he would take me on walks so we could take photos of flowers for our zine and look for evidence of trolls. Evidence, according to Izzy, was found in the ways some trees were shaped or how the bush shaking its leaves in the wind was probably a troll hiding. Evidence of trolls was really evidence of imagination, what we could be if we just played back with life, beyond what we thought we knew or already named.
So a few weeks ago when my new neighbor Barbara told me she had some short glimpses of deer, I was compelled to look for evidence of deer. Which led to me needing to document it with a camera I hadn’t touched much in a long while that keeps calling me back in fun, synchronistic ways. Practicing creative process is full of choices that don’t really matter, opening you to an experimental flow of play, that is curiosity, imagination, and forgiveness. It’s a type of courage (meaning “with heart”) and hope (meaning “clinging to a mere possiblity”). These photos of deerbeds/ evidence of deer are in the last newsletter I wrote to you.
Today, Mae and I went to the woods and got a little lost through connecting trails, so we gave ourselves wizard names, talked in accents, and made up songs about how nature was here to help us until we could find our way back. Play as the ultimate way to balance in these days and good news is, it’s free. Also why I’m always saying just follow the kids, they know what’s up.
HEAL THE EARTH WITHOUT FORGETTING TO LET THE EARTH HEAL YOU WITHOUT FORGETTING TO HEAL THE EARTH WITHOUT FORGETTING TO LET THE EARTH HEAL YOU WITHOUT FORGETTING TO HEAL THE EARTH
// FIELD NOTES
friend taylor and i started reading adrienne maree brown’s “pleasure activism” and this line went into my notes on play/joy/pleasure: “pleasure is a measure of freedom.” let’s keep insisting on freedom they can’t take from us.
how could i ever learn anything if i think that i know everything? orchid bees and orchids : how the specific bees needed to pollinate orchids came before orchids and there was a time before flowers and there will be a time after flowers.
i’m not a manager but i have to manage. things like time and food plans i am figuring out. I LOVE FOOD. inspired by a cookbook my sister-in-love D had called “cookish” from milk street, it’s about taste and texture profiles you can just throw together. (mae caught the bug, too and has been hands on in the kitchen this week, even led the charge for dinner last night!) this miso based chicken salad has been my delicious lunch this week.
one of my favorite living artists, also based out of portland, Pace Taylor’s portrait of Elliot Page in the new yorker mag. Pace shared, “while I was working on this portrait, I had a moment where i started crying. I remembered being in high school, trying to figure out how to inhabit my body and how frequently I looked to Page’s onscreen characters and their feats of becoming as possible branching paths for myself. I saw myself reflected in the roles he chose, however unsettling. . . because it was always just people trying to figure out how to have autonomy. Figuring out how to live with and be themselves. That arc isn’t specific to trans narratives, but it is certainly part of mine and I am grateful that I had these stories and characters to look to during a vulnerable time.”
whale doc FATHOM on apple tv recommended by friend Lou, on a magical week of whale connections across coasts. lady scientists and the friendliness of whales.
while in DC, I was remembering a trip my class took in 5th grade and the memorials we saw. wondering what do we mean when we say “founding father”? Why would men who opposed slavery still have so many enslaved people as “property”? pres 3, thomas jefferson came to mind. i read the following from his memorial : "I am not an advocate for frequent changes in laws and constitutions, but laws and institutions must go hand in hand with the progress of the human mind. As that becomes more developed, more enlightened, as new discoveries are made, new truths discovered and manners and opinions change, with the change of circumstances, institutions must advance also to keep pace with the times. We might as well require a man to wear still the coat which fitted him when a boy as a civilized society to remain ever under the regimen of their barbarous ancestors."
took a lighthouse tour while visiting mae’s bubbe in rhode island. lots of light house keepers met terrible deaths but dang i like a lighthouse metaphor. also found out that the military base near Jameston participated in the experimental brainwashing of german prisoners of war they called denazification, trying to use education to teach nazis about democracy. (this word was recently used by putin to falsely affirm his violent occupation of ukraine via government controlled media)
Speaking of media. Journalists are my heroes, no lie. We would not be informed the way we are right now if fellow citizens didn’t take up this task. and also let’s not forget that 15 billionaires/six companies own 89% of the media outlets. Consider biases, stay mindful of sensationalism, compare sources, and fact check your information. HERE TOGETHER.
This issue of ALICE is dedicated to activist, author, and scholar, Angela Davis. Davis credits her political activism to the girl scouts of america. As a kid, she lived in a neighborhood that was bombed to drive out black people so whites could take over—thinking about all the cognitive dissonance of white body supremacy happening here in the US while and after we fought war against the nazi regime or considering how christians would actually treat the brown skinned immigrant jesus if he were here today, rioting against the exploitation of people for profit like he did in the gospels.
thank you for being here and for reading my bi monthly data collection love letter ramblings. be gentle with yourself and keep going. <3