never not connected
Every morning, the first of us who can form words says “Welcome to today,” and then we both say “a new day.” in this silly exaggerated way that doesn’t translate here but make it your own. Welcome to today.
Shout out to anyone else who would have been lobotomized if they were born less than 100 years ago. This last week was a doozy but I’m glad my therapist knows me so well now. Congratulations, truly happy we all made it to today, a new day.
Free information: One morning about 18 months ago, I realized I couldn’t see out of a portion of my left eye. I had an emergency visit to the ophthalmologist, who determined I have myopic macular degeneration. Without the further technological advancements the field is already developing, I will likely lose my central vision within ten years. Presently, I am able to stall some of it with intravitreal injections of a medicine they treat some cancers with. I have a spot of complete loss, and blurred image with wobbly traces of light in most of what remains. It’s a different way of seeing now and will continue to be.
In Isaac Lidsky’s ted talk, he shares what he’s learned from losing his eyesight, how he has to get his friends to help his brain fill in pictures so he can really see what’s in front of him. "To create the experience of sight, your brain references your conceptual understanding of the world, other knowledge, your memories, opinions, emotions, mental attention. All of these things and far more are linked in your brain to your sight. These linkages work both ways, and usually occur subconsciously. So for example, what you see impacts how you feel, and the way you feel can literally change what you see. Numerous studies demonstrate this. . . . What you see is a complex mental construction of your own making, but you experience it passively as a direct representation of the world around you. You create your own reality, and you believe it. I believed mine until it broke apart. The deterioration of my eyes shattered the illusion. "
As you might imagine, I had some feelings arise about this. I grieved/am grieving the old sight I had, taking an easier time reading for granted, and the normal span of work my eyes wanted to do in contrast to the shorter span they operate from now. I set out to cover all my bases. I made a bucket list of everything I realistically want to see in the next ten years. I got the needles in my eyes. I visited an energy healer. I found community on a subreddit with people of varying blindness, aware of their limitations as well as their working abilities which offered much perspective. (It’s also where I also found out cats 100% fuck with their blind owners, intentionally tripping them.) I’ve asked the sky for complete healing. I’ve asked the sky for complete acceptance. I don’t know what this means yet for my work, but I feel compelled to explore what remains here and what it could shape into. Which is how ALICE came to be. So thank you for helping me unfold this development. It truly is an overflow of being in a real love fest with each of you.
Playing some of these video games with Mae makes me think of how Einstein said all of reality is a persistent illusion. I wonder about this a lot. If it’s all a lie, I might as well feed myself the illusions that make me feel best, that don’t harm any of us, that might even heal some of the harm already here. This gives me some hope and feels empowering. I think about this new reality we are all in, this new world we are all still actively creating together, with what remains. How moving further from individualism and more into collaboration really means I’m seeking to understand how to manage my resources with grounded wisdom and create opportunities to move beyond personal and collective limitations, together.
I guess I’m led to writing this as a reminder to myself that my blind spots don’t have to compromise my vision. These systems have me sometimes forgetting that we are never not connected. Let’s remember together. I love you. Keep going.
EVERYTHING IS WAITING FOR YOU by David Whyte
Your great mistake is to act the drama
as if you were alone. As if life
were a progressive and cunning crime
with no witness to the tiny hidden
transgressions. To feel abandoned is to deny
the intimacy of your surroundings. Surely,
even you, at times, have felt the grand array;
the swelling presence, and the chorus, crowding
out your solo voice. You must note
the way the soap dish enables you,
or the window latch grants you freedom.
Alertness is the hidden discipline of familiarity.
The stairs are your mentor of things
to come, the doors have always been there
to frighten you and invite you,
and the tiny speaker in the phone
is your dream-ladder to divinity.
Put down the weight of your aloneness and ease into the
conversation. The kettle is singing
even as it pours you a drink, the cooking pots
have left their arrogant aloofness and
seen the good in you at last. All the birds
and creatures of the world are unutterably
themselves. Everything is waiting for you.
FEELINGS REPORT
A note: I know a lot of people discredit astrology, making it hard for them to hear any truth in it. I don’t feel compelled to try to prove it is or isn’t. I don’t think that’s important to how symbols work. It’s for reflection. and I want to share it because of the encouragement I glean from metaphors that connect me to the bigness and the ancient mystery of the natural world, which is of more interest to me. Maybe you can meet me here. Plus it was one of the special interests that 2020 gifted me so it’s part of my personality package now and stays on theme for my belief we all have individual purpose and are needed here. (let me read your chart—a map of the sky the moment you were born— if you need the reminder.)
That said, we have the first new moon of 2022. I want to think of this less about the new year and more about moon cycles. For ages, farmers have planted in sync with the new moon, because of the way the moon is believed to affect the moisture in the soil, in a similar way the moon affects the ocean’s tides. Perfect time to get those figurative seeds ready for planting or to be planted. Intend on new beginnings. This is all happening in the season of Capricorn, which is a sign of the earth element. Meaning, taking responsibility in the realm of the physical—we are encouraged to open to this energy to offer ourselves structure, discipline, and the persistence towards a long term, sustainable future. MOVE FORWARD IN TRUE LEADERSHIP TOWARDS THE THINGS YOU WANT TO HAPPEN, THE RELATIONSHIP DYNAMICS YOU WANT TO HAPPEN, CREATING THE WORLD YOU WANT TO BE IN AT A PACE THAT WORKS FOR YOU, FIRST STEP FORWARD NOW.
INSPIRATION STATION
please contact me if you’re interested in any of the following: puzzle trades, a book club, food/meal shares, keeping our houseless neighbors warm, or making art with kids.
this planner my great friend got me for my birthday is a visual delight, a time management master, and actualizes my bullet journaling fantasies with little effort from me.
my therapist retaught me about grounding exercises like feel your hands that have been super helpful to us this week.
the balance of living with all this life
this song that i didn’t know i needed to hear from this free newsletter from caitlyn, blue, & raynor. i met this radical, creative family while caitlyn led giant groups of children into writing & performing their own musicals at mae’s school in the before times over the years. their newsletter is about them reframing their experience and sharing what they’re doing & learning. It has been a personal buoy in this pandemic and comes highly recommended. see all that they offer on their website & subscribe to their newsletter here: the reframe collective.
find what feels good app is how i’m now tricking myself into my stay at home yoga practice.
7. i’ve never met a whale documentary i didn’t like. the loneliest whale was no exception. One thing I really loved: In 1966 scientist Roger Payne, emotionally touched by the music of a whale pod, had a close friend make a record of humpback whales singing. It becomes so popular that the national geographic picks it up, orders something like 10 million copies and that is the world’s first real understanding of communication between whales. When the world heard the whales sing, a collective shift happened. Before this point, whale oil was the main source of lighter fluid for over 300 years. I’d be interested in the thread of connection from the record’s release to the US whaling ban in 1972. It makes me curious about how art can create an emotional response. how emotional responses can lead to awareness. and how awareness can create change.
speaking of whales, there’s a beautiful podcast THIS IS LOVE and episode 31 “Something Large and Wild” is a love story about a whale. I would follow it up with episode 32 “Among the Oak Trees” for a full dose of courage for the week.
DON’T LOOK UP made me feel less alone in a country where denial is our inherited trauma response & a pressing concern if we want to move forward/survive/care. I am here for film as social commentary.
I dedicate this issue of ALICE to Marsha P Johnson. Marsha was a black, trans, disabled sex worker whose activism looked more like living openly as her truest self in the face of discrimination and creating space to care for those who society snubbed & still snub. She’s a central figure in the beginnings of the gay liberation movement, which is how we got to the rights and explorations we all currently have access to now. JUST BY LIVING HER TRUTH OUT LOUD.