inner reality = outer form
I got hyperfocused on bread baking last week after watching Sarah Minnick on chef’s table and relearned that my bod + gluten aren’t a great match no matter my enthusiasm. Mae and their cross country bff binged a new season of an old animated show together last weekend. being 13, I loved how mindful they were about it being a “kid’s show” and when I asked them if there was a draw to it past the nostalgia, Mae fires off “well, I love how it shows that the simplest problems sometimes challenge our greatest heroes.” I understood this as a recent meme about how god’s greatest soldiers often have the weakest stomachs.
Michigan gets that bone chill pretty early in autumn— pls pray 4 us. I sent mom and Mae off to grocery shop and they came back with full body zip up animal cozies for each of us and that feels more right than I knew it could. I’m having a lot of vivid dreams these last few weeks as a fox now. In my sleep, I yelled out to Mae, “you’re big and youre bright and you’re in the bath getting ready for the fair!”
I love looking out into the field to see so many marigolds popping up against the contrast of the dying landscape. I love the resiliency of their seed process and the ruffley ritz of their bloom. I strung them up-my birth flower- for another year, as I call in my 40th birthday.
I was a fat baby born on Sweetest Day—Saturday October 16, 1982—during a balsamic moon phase (the final sliver of lunar light before birthing the new moon). That same day, the first image of Halley’s comet was captured on its 76ish year orbit & 13th return just beyond Saturn from California. Jack and Diane by hoosier John Cougar (US) and Pass the Dutchie by Musical Youth (UK) were at the top of the charts.
Libra is a sign of balance, beauty, collaboration, harmony, justice. Initiates relationships (great for pattern recognition, terrible for navigating bureaucratic red tape). I have many placements stacked up in connection to OTHERS in my first house of SELF. Across the sky, in Aries, the sign of SELF, i have a single placement signifying OTHER. In truth, I live wildly rooted in connection to all things. People, animals, trees, flowers, insects, soil. I am the observer not separate from the observed. I am the universe experiencing itself. I am a drop of water in the ocean that is still the ocean. The shadow work of mine is to constantly reorient to embodied sovereignty and internal validation as a practice of balancing imbalance.
I remember an interview where Bassel van der Kolk (who wrote “the body keeps score”) shared how we culturally take a pill or a swig of something to change our internal harmony, siting how this has bred generations of adult children of alcoholics who live dysfunctionally codependent. Born within systems we didn’t have the emotional intelligence to navigate, older generations have mostly modeled denial, disassociation or numbing as adapative coping strategies. Cutting off ties to the body were the most intelligent way within our reach to stay seemingly safe. Children within these families often had their pain, anger, shame, and fear unacknowledged, denied, criticized, or invalidated. When your childhood needs are unmet, when you can’t rely on your parents to nurture your emotional needs, the tendency is not to blame your parent but yourself. When you think something is innately wrong with you, you seek relief by doing things for others so you receive praise, recognition, or affection. Undermining your ability to develop a stable sense of self. Think fawning or people pleasing as a survival skill.
As I have parsed out my own autonomy within the compulsion to connect (also known as interdependence) over the years, I’m only recently practicing this feelings-to-needs pipeline. (Thank you wiseheartpdx) I know when I’m fully present to receiving, whether from myself or another, I am compelled to give. out of resourced appreciation, not distressed need or obligation. I know any reactivity is a perceived threat to one or more needs and the more I practice recognizing it in myself & in others, the more effective de-escalating I have access to. I know my plastic brain & electric body need the proper environment and the appropriate sustenance to be, to function, to grow. I know pain not used well will keep me from my spiritual nature, which is inherently free. I know some deep breaths or even the slightest movement is usually a first step towards entering in right relationship with myself. I know not loving feels untrue, not me. I know everything is love or a call for love. And I believe the fight of our lives, the war of our generation, is to hear ourselves and heed the call coming from inside the house.
// AFFIRMATION FROM PETE WALKER
I am so glad you were born. You are a good person. I love who you are and am doing my best to always be on your side. You can come to me whenever you’re feeling hurt or bad. You do not have to be perfect to get my love and protection. All of your feelings are okay with me. I am always glad to see you. It is okay for you to be angry and I won’t let you hurt yourself or others when you are. You can make mistakes - they are your teachers. You can know what you need and ask for help. You can have your own preferences and tastes. You are a delight to my eyes. You can choose your own values. You can pick your own friends, and you don’t have to like everyone. You can sometimes feel confused and ambivalent, and not know all the answers. I am very proud of you.
// POEM: A LITANY FOR SURVIVAL by AUDRE LORDE
For those of us who live at the shoreline
standing upon the constant edges of decision
crucial and alone
for those of us who cannot indulge
the passing dreams of choice
who love in doorways coming and going
in the hours between dawns
looking inward and outward
at once before and after
seeking a now that can breed
futures
like bread in our children’s mouths
so their dreams will not reflect
the death of ours;
For those of us
who were imprinted with fear
like a faint line in the center of our foreheads
learning to be afraid with our mother’s milk
for by this weapon
this illusion of some safety to be found
the heavy-footed hoped to silence us
For all of us
this instant and this triumph
We were never meant to survive.
And when the sun rises we are afraid
it might not remain
when the sun sets we are afraid
it might not rise in the morning
when our stomachs are full we are afraid
of indigestion
when our stomachs are empty we are afraid
we may never eat again
when we are loved we are afraid
love will vanish
when we are alone we are afraid
love will never return
and when we speak we are afraid
our words will not be heard
nor welcomed
but when we are silent
we are still afraid
So it is better to speak
remembering
we were never meant to survive.
// FIELD NOTES
i made an acorn squash pizza with carmalized onions and goat cheese and rosemary that hit right.
gabor mate released his new book “the myth of normal”
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4. i found out too late that a friend of mine left the world last december after cutting myself, along with several others out of his life. this is a long grief. there is a portland concert going on oct 20th in tribute to him, raising funds for musiccares. i deeply appreciated this bit from a story in the nytimes about Josh embracing the y when touring with fountains of wayne back in the day:
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5. This issue of ALICE is dedicated to Mahsa Amini, the 22 year old Iranian woman who was beat, leading to her death by the morality police for not wearing her hijab “correctly”. Iran is in its 4th week of civil unrest led by women, specifically young people, with a death toll of over 150 people killed by the dictatorship so far. I am heartbroken for the pain of womxn all over the world who are hurt by these deadly heirarchies. May this resistance call in the overdue, collective shift that is needed to continue living in our shared humxnity.