IM MY ME
There is a man (X) living in SE Portland, last I knew who has a parrot sitting on his shoulder and his tshirt usually is covered in bird shit. One afternoon, we got to talking and he shared with me how he was assaulted and robbed at a bus station years before. And how after the recovery and the arrest and the court appearances, he visited his attacker in prison. They went on to form a friendship, one so meaningful that once the man was released from prison, he went on to shift his entire life and credit X’s foregiveness to a large part of that. The thing I admire about X is how he saw himself in someone who hurt him and then he showed up for the repair of it all. I think this is the type of thing meant by “restorative justice”.
I’m thinking about this because I’m thinking about that 15 year old girl, traumatized, who was made to pay her rapist’s family $150,000. I’m also balancing that with how many people donated to her gofundme, which should have never been needed but can we just feel good for a fucking second that there is evidence of kindness, shared humxnity, and love in this world? (another good look, a layer of the deconstruction of capitalism: the founder of patigona made planet earth his only shareholder.
“the paradox of education is precisely this, that as one begins to become conscious one begins to examine the society in which she is being educated. . . . it is very nearly impossible to become an educated person in a country so distrustful of the independent mind.” james baldwin
this week, i met with an old wound called abandonment. she seemed to be asking for a lot of attention anyway—in my dreams, in creative process, in conversations. the first lesson in this month’s classwork was that abandonment is an interpretation, not a feeling. it’s a signal indicating that there are important feelings and needs coming up. I learned that feelings of fear, loneliness, or hurt reveal how much I value being seen/heard, supported, reassured, in connection, in presence. And I value myself enough to either ask for or create more of that.
the flip side of that same coin is how perceived abandonment is really self abandonment. I like the gentleness in thinking of it as an old coping mechanism some past version of me needed to survive and now it’s like what poet rupi kaur wrote, “loneliness is a sign that you are in desperate need of yourself.” it still amazes me what a moment—a shower or some kind of yoga dance movement or staring at trees or massaging my face or squeezing on my hands or cooking or doodling or stitching or listening— can offer. to be with myself. to be a friend to me.
I am loving the right balance of time together and time alone that offers me connection and witness from both myself and others. i have been thinking about how much of my radical tenderness and bent towards communion is part of a sensitivity I wasted years shaming. I now realize I wouldn’t have to be so sensitive if the culture hadn’t been so insensitive. I wouldn’t feel compelled to push a narrative of interconnectedness in a society that wasn’t sick with individualism. Don’t get me wrong, self-reliance is a type of strength ("Ne te quæsiveris extra.") and I fancy many a non-conformists. Somewhere on the spectrum between independence and codependence is a balance of interdependence. So far, my experience has led me to believe my well being & the well being of others not only benefits from this middle way, but is sustained by it. May the benefits meet you, too.
If you want to view paradise
Simply look around and view it
Anything you want to, do it
Want to change the world?
There's nothing to it
There is no life I know
To compare with pure imagination
Living there, you'll be free
If you truly wish to be
FIELD NOTES ///
I need everyone to know there is a nature docuseries on apple tv that is narrated Paul Rudd and I can’t stop thinking about how ant man is the narrator of a tiny world.
Mae and I started Space & Earth sciences in school this week and we kicked it off with this video of a 9 year old talking about ants and our place in the world and infinite possiblity.
this ezra klein interview with margaret atwood kind of blew my mind and something she said about how one side’s utopia is another side’s dystopia. . . the entire interview is worth listening to or reading.
Poet psychologist Sanah Ahsan writes on not isolating “mental health problems” from our broader societal structures.
“i’m a part of it. not separate from it. i walk on the ground and the ground is walked on by me. i breathe the air and change it. i am entirely interconnected with the world.” ursula k leguin
be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foregin tongue. do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. and the point is, to live everything. live the questions now. perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer. RMR
this issue of alice is dedicated to Dr Ayesha Khan, aka the woke scientist, who is a neurodivergent Infectious Diseases Scientist, Germ doctor, grassroots organizer, writer, astrobiologist & educator discovering the science of social justice, decolonization, collectivism, neurodiversity & liberation. I love seeing the way scientists are working within the scope of liberation movements and systemic resistance for us all.
Thank you for reading! In a way that honors your individual capacity, would you be willing to to respond to message me and let me know how this newsletter is meeting you, either by sharing directly from your heart or responding with an excerpt that reached you? THANK YOU IN ADVANCE