FROM LOVE NOT FOR LOVE
Today my friend shared that when they first told their toddler there was a day for love, she immediately asked when the day for anger was. Yes, like that.
There are different milestones in my life, noted by significant changes before and after each marker. There was before losing Zion. And after has been remembering Zion. When I lost my baby, I tried to set fire to myself and everything around me to escape pain. I felt like my body and my god had betrayed me. I had to prove to myself that life was still worth living or at least die trying. I was 23.
One thing I did almost immediately was I interviewed hundreds of people, asking strangers when they felt most alive and writing their answers down in a spiral notebook. Using highlighters, I then color coded that data into three categories:
feelings of significance/knowing your life had value & purpose
feelings of insignificance in contrast to the web of connection/oneness
the process of creative expression
If you look at my life from that point on, it has been dictated by a devotion to these three things. And is why I write these letters to you, sharing info like this, inviting exchange. I want myself and everyone I know to have freedom, to be able to experience joy and a feeling of safety in their body, even if momentary*. And hoping for that while also existing within the harmful impact of late stage capitalism feels challenging to navigate as I/we develop the skills for living in 2023 and beyond.
*even if momentary BECAUSE THANK GOODNESS THAT NO FEELING IS A PERMANENT STATE. If what I am experiencing in this fleeting moment is good, it will not last forever and paying attention/staying grateful is the only cure. and if it’s bad, it’s not going to last forever so let it roll through like grist for the awakening mill.
And that’s the thing, aint it? We truly can no longer set aside the discomfort of this reality, we have to move with it. Every bit of anger, of sadness, of loss, of disconnection, of frustration, of confusion informs the world we must imagine, signals flowers we must plant and also remember to water, and illumunates our growth in holding one another in understanding while we continue developing beliefs, language, attitudes, and actions of harm reduction. I believe this is the work of our generation and our time.
If anger turned inward is depression then I wonder if tending to anger like tending to fire is a way. Openly critiquing our elected public servants and systems of hierarchy under a love ethic. Using anger as a hearth, a warming station. Using anger as an indicator to chase it’s opposite, to balance rage with intentional pleasure and peace. I’m a year into writing these and mostly just repeating myself. Maybe it’s a monthly reminder for me but if you need to hear it it, too IF YOU ARE FEELING ANGRY OR SAD OR MALAISE OR LANGUISHING OR FATIGUE, YOU ARE NOT ALONE AND YOU &/OR YOUR BODY ARE LIKELY JUST PAYING ATTENTION. YOU DESERVE YOUR OWN LOVE AND TENDERNESS AND CARE AND BALANCE.
May you have the week you need, may you easily connect to the love that surrounds you, and may you strengthen your ability to find your own version of happiness in moments life unfolds for you as a radical balancing to all this pain—not “in place of” pain but “in spite of” with a possibility of “because of”. LOVE & RAGE.
“People universally tend to think that happiness is a stroke of luck, something that will maybe descend upon you like fine weather if you're fortunate enough. But that's not how happiness works. Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings.” - Lizzy G
SOME HAPPINESS:
an epic walk for mother’s 7th birthday, doing her favorite hobbies
the unlikely friendship very slowly forming between the dog and two cats here
blueberry trail mix
drinking topo chico like beer
top pony tuesday where i bring back my high school bball hairstyle
sitting in the grass against a tree in the sunshine
watching snow fall the next day & how it sounded like rain
the wording and imagery of co star updates
headphone jams and a puzzle
quilt book from the library
quilting like a puzzle
random paint and arty decals on short fingernails
nature documentaries
crackling vetiver candle
sending mail to some beloveds (next round soon)
every quick catch up / text exchange /marco polo with every friend really
sweat pants & extra time in bed
french braid pigtails
lego flowers
garden dreams
this grocery store dance sequence
singing loudly in the car with accents
laps around the track with neighbor
this poster my friend sent me in the mail
this post is dedicated to any person who has recognized the social hierarchy causes harm and is upheld by everyday people. thank you for heeding the call that is the radical need for deconstructing any internal biases or self hatred you have inherited from the system. LETS KEEP GOING